I dont need to be an angel, but I'm nothing if not so high....

Heh, actually I was wrong, it was a hundred dollar jacket. And Justin before you even think this entry is aimed at you, its not. I'm just so amused at my goddamn fucking luck.





I never should have left Philly. On October 24th I'm turning around with Macon, my shitty ass pack, no real jacket and no sleeping bag and going right fucking back there and I'm not coming back until I know for sure he is gone.

Maybe its the fact that for the past week and ahalf I've been lucky to get five hours of sleep a night, I'm averaging at two. On top of that I've been working for eight hours numerous days, on top of that I spent the weekend in Philly which was great but walking sixty blocks didnt help my energy. Today I was told by someone I love that I look like crap and asked "when the fuck I'm going to start taking care of myself." Maybe its the fact that he is in town, I saw him two blocks from my house and I'm basically waiting for him to show up in the middle of the night with a gun and put me in his car.

Maybe its the fact that Rez is in jail with five thousand dollar bail. Maybe its listening to Porcupine Tree. Maybe its that I have a court date in January and no idea if Blue is coming back with my sleeping bag, and now my other sleeping bag was ruined along with my carhart jacket. I'm not the kind of person who can just go out and buy a fucking carhart jacket, their eighty dollars. That sleeping bag was cheap for a bag, but expensive for me, fifty dollars. Now home to fucking maggots??? What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I guess I'm just freezing this winter and traveling without a bag cos I have no money to buy those things again, those are one time investments.

Maybe its the fact that I'm in Baltimore, maybe its all the packing I have to do to move, maybe its dealing with my mothers face everytime she leaves me cos she knows he threatend to come here too. Maybe its that I feel guilty for her spending half of her free hours she should be spending on the wedding or relaxing, looking for a new house. Maybe its goddamn everything but I feel like shit and I just want to cry and that is NOT something that I do.

And you know what? To answer your goddamn questoin, I have no idea when I'm going to start taking care of myself. To me waking up in Paradise City was taking care of myself, because it made me fucking happy. To me chain smoking and drinking is taking care of myself cos it makes me happy. Having a fucking dirty ass rat named Jack Pumpkin, names me fucking happy. I dont know when I'm going to start taking care of myeslf ebcause whose goddamn standards are we talking about?

Maybe I just need to sleep until I can be around the few few few people I cant stand, and at this moment there are only three in this state. So if you're not Erika, Little Matt or Christa, just stay the fuck away from me. I hate people, I hate hate hate people. Especially girls and I'm writing this now because I know there are a bunch of girls who are going to comment on this and be like "but you like me right?" NO! I fucking hate yo uespecially. I hate fucking girls. I hate the petty jealous squealing squeaky bullshit you all spew out all the fucking time. So leave me the fuck alone.

I wish I could sleep, its too fucking hard when you've got someone stalking your house and I wish I could say I was just being dramatic but I'm not and I dont have the strength to deal with being followed. I needed to leave, but I cant leave without a carhardt and my sleeping bag.

Whatever. What the fuck ever.

Maybe its everything.

venusandbacchus0 (8:37:29 PM): hey melissa, do you think you or someone you know would be able to take in a kitten i'm liberating from my crazy nextdoor neighbors?
venusandbacchus0 (8:38:56 PM): they never feed it or let it inside because he pooped in the house one time. hes a 5 month old baby and is outside constantly unless i let him in. his ribcage is visible through his skin, and not just in the normal small kitten way. hes always starving and eats all of my cat's food whenever i let him in
venusandbacchus0 (8:39:12 PM): hes fixed, hass all of his shots and is very very loving and adorable


If your interested, leave a message or I guess instant message Christine. Someone please save this cat, I would but my brother is allergic.

"On a rooftop, as cliche a place as that has become, I saw everything become beautiful. I saw life and heat and love and it made me proud. I saw everything become beautiful and than in a moment rot. I was proud, and I turned on a dime and shot glory dead in the chest. There a cage, a shell of mandatory action, following each other up ladders and over roofs because we had to, a shell of naming houses, breaking bottles and wearing masks broke away; a shell of sick infatuation with concrete tunnels, air ducts, dumpsters and freight yards disintegrated with the beauty; with my pride. And for the first time, I saw the life inside the life I had chosen."

-From Cliche

So apparently Rez is in jail?? 5000 bail????

I forgot one of the bst things about this weekend. At the Rattus show, I got to speak to Diana.

I wouldnt know how to explain everything if I thuoght you fucks cared or if I wanted too. Philly was amazing. The company of Erika all weekend was amazing. Erika, Hat and Matt all wasted at the party was amzing, getting wasted at the party was amazing. Not being known, at the party, was amazing. The show was great, talking to Jo was great, Jimbos house was great, Joe and Alex and Grainer and Beb were great.


Paradise City was fucking amazing. I cant say anthing that hasnt said, but to trigger it, 8 story apartment complex in Philly. Met cool people talked with cool people, Kayla and Jonny Drunk Rock were grand, Fat Kat can suck a fat dick, Brad was cool, everyone whos names I've already forgotten were cool.

Basically Philly = arrive, hang out on South, drink lots of boh, go to Jimbos house with Alex and Joe, drink lots of boh listen to music play super mario 3, play with baby Grainer and Beb. phycho girl shows up outside the window calling Jimbos name just after Alex says "shes the kind of girl to stand outside your window and listen to see if your saying anything about her." Hung out. Drank. Watched Trash an Andy Warhol film. Woke up early went to South with Jimbo, Erika and Matt. Ate good food met up with Dom, Graham, Hat, etc. Went to awesome show got to see Ted Tedder and Jo. Went to greeeat party and had lots of fun. Went to 8 story squat and was amazed, stayed up on the roof trading stories, rolling cigarettes and all those cliches. Fell asleep after sharing some seroquel with Johnny Dunk Rock. Woke up to Erika and hat complainaing about being hungover. Walked 50 blocks to get a vegan cheesesteak but they were closed. Went to weird resturant with Erika, ate food, passed out outside.


Erika rocks by the way.



-"Do you like Inepsy?"

-"Hey Hat-"
"What did you just call me?"
"What I've been calling you the past four days."

-"Thats Mr. Lard Ass to you bitch!"

-"TAKE OOOOOOOOOOON MEEEEEEEE!"

-"Her name was Lola, she was a show girl!"



I cant remember the rest, but it was a great weekend.

And so Philly it is.



Windows that do not open and are constantly moving,
were made for stronger men.

I decided to walk to seven eleven, but made it as far as the baby ghetto before I saw him. Thank god I'm going to Philly this weekend.

well its eight thirty am and clearly I am not at community service. Hmm.... this means court early next year. I wish that I had made it today but in order for that to happen, MY ALARM NEEDS TO FUNCTION! I'm going to call my case worker now cos she seemed to enjoy my company yesterday and is oe of those dumb christian chicks who thinks she can save everyone, if I call and act all hurt and scared maybe she'll let me rescudle for Monday post PHilly. Monday being the last day I can go cos its the day my hours are due by. I doubt it though, she can be strict. Whatever. Court here I come. As I was shredding papers yesterday I saw that the common result in not doing your hours is double the hours you were asigned. I can handle that.

Never been more tired in my life. No once, in Miami, nuff said. Two hours of sleep, eight hours of work and I get to do it all again tomorrow. At least Matt and I get to escape for the weekend. Philly. Anyone in Philly wanna hang out? Drop me a line we're leaving six oclock tomorrow onthe same train dirty dog. Dom I'd like to see you at some point, after tomorrow night you can reach me at this number 410-371-0130. Sleeping time.

I have community service in 3 hours and i cant sleep. fuck.

So I'm awake before seven pm, thats a good start. However I know I'm going to feel like complete shit tomorrow after waking up at six am to do eight hours of community service, and then repeat it all the next day. I'm shaking my head in Scarfaces general direction. Tonight is the Rattus, Nox Vomica, Caustic Christ show at CCAS. Should be a good show. I've managed to get together 11 dollars towards my Get Melissa to Philly fund. Friday night is Bongzilla at the Recher I will be sneaking in, if not sitting outside like a lameass listening. I think we should totally get a bunch of kids together sitting outside the show to dance and act retarded and than storm the show. As for the weekend I'm hoping to make it to Philly with Christa and Erika. These next two days and community service cannot go fast enough.


Oh yeah, I'm waiting on a string of anonymous comments calling me a junky and a moron and poser from my heroin post. Dont dissapoint me kids, lets see it.

Wake up music... wake up music... wake up music...




ah Contravene.

I found this picture and it made me really really happy. I miss these boys.






and this almost made me cry




I'm a huge nerd I know.

I'm asking the question, you all keep running your mouths about all the junkies... WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY? I dont wantto hear, they're there, or it happens. You name to me right now the people that are shooting heroin into their viens with needles in our group. Do it. Right now. You fucking cant, so fuck you.

Your using the word junky, your using the word addict, your using someone elses life and pain as your own to seem profound. Maybe to write better songs, maybe to seem cooler, have something to feel proud your not doing. Well you have no fuckin reason to be proud you overcame nothing and you instiagte and you lie and you act so hurt and uspset and tortured when really, the only reason you even drop these words is cos it gives you some excuse or justification for feeling like shit.

And tell me, if heroin is so addicting, why are there people who can use it variously and not get addicted? I'm sorry I wasnt aware that because Hollywood movies and government fed lies were now dictating how all the ANARCHIST felt and what they believed. You all are so amused by the "war on drugs" until its heroin. Why does everyone get addicted first time around? Why? Becase its in Basketball Diaries? Because media tells us you cant do it once without getting addicted? Because some of your friends were that fuckig weak? And tell me how everyone uses needles? EVERYONE? Garunteed?

Let me tell you right now, there isnt one junky in our group. Not one. There are kids who dabble and use it for a week or two at a time and then they're done for months. Im sorry is that the new definition of the word junky? We have had friends who were seriously fucked up, seriously hurt, serioulsy junkies.... some died. How dare you throw that word out likes its nothing?

Go writing a fucking song about it. And no, Matt, if you read this, this isnt JUSt about yuo. Part of it is, but dont taket his personally, its dedicated towards everyones stupidity and deisre to be tortured, not you in particular.

Dont blame your life on fucking concrete and other people. You make your own misteaks, choices, you hve your own options and choices, dont fucking blame your life and mistakes on fucking concrete.

Fuck you.

Isnt this a beautiful picture??? HArdy har har.









Thats how pictures turn out when you let him take them. I miss that boy like no other.

Do not look at this unless you want to be serioulsy disturbed. This is not work safe and contains interesting visions of a penis.


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